september

College--the place you're suppose to go for a higher education, the time in your life older adults swear to be the "best time of your entire life", and is also the time where most students live a second life away from home, AKA dorm life. My second semester as a student at San Francisco State University and doing round two of the whole dorm thing hardly sounds like one of the contributing factors to nearly killing me, but it did, and I survived.

Days upon days of sleeping in my private dorm room, secluding myself out of the suite life with my suite mates to choose moping and crying instead of being social, and wondering why my life seemed to get worse and worse took a toll on my psyche and delivered me into the center of a dark depression. But this all started because of a cast-iron skillet. A stupid, cast-iron pan. Oh, and also a skinny bitch with the largest nose anyone on earth could ever imagine on a face!

Neurotic to say the least, Jane (name changed) and I had no previous mode of reference, and were forced to live in the same suite as each other, with our rooms right next to each other and also had to share a bathroom. She was always nit-picky about the most trivial things like furniture arrangement, and which toiletries were considerably important to be allowed to stay out on the countertop of the bathroom. Now Jane here, she had a particular item that she temporarily had kept in her room, and this item happened to be a cast-iron skillet. Finding that silly, the cast-iron skillet was moved into the kitchen, where its status went from "purely for Jane's use" to "public domain". I was unaware of the skillet's previous status, and used it one afternoon to heat up a tortilla. I washed it, dried it (although I admit it could've be dried a little more thoroughly), and set it out on the dish rack next to the sink to air-dry. Jane comes out of her room an hour later, sees the pan, questions how her pan was used. I respond that I used it to heat up a tortilla, and apologized for not doing a good enough dry job. Jane proceeds to overreact upon inspecting the pan, claiming that it's fucked up, it's of no use anymore, and how her grandma gave it to her as a gift. Feeling in the wrong, I apologize profusely, and promise to replace the pan. Normal people would've accepted the apology and reconciliation, but not Jane.

Day two after the pan incident Jane complains about the skillet's damage. Day three more complaints, another offer from me to replace the pan. Day five, more complaints topped with a sassy remark, "So do you want to replace my pan, because this one's fucked." Day eight, calls to her mother about what to do (with reassurance from her mother that the skillet would be fine), and another request to replace the skillet, with extreme overtones of attitude. At this point, I am frustrated beyond belief with Jane and her refusal to accept anything from me that I start crying, which makes Jane feel like a black-hearted person. With the heaviest stench of phoniness even the sickest person with the worst of congestion could smell, Jane came into my room to comfort me and said that she wasn't mad at me. WHAT THE HELL?!

Classes at school were not going as I had expected them to--they were boring, nothing really interested me, I felt like a loner who couldn't seem to make any friends, and previous friends I had made weren't being responsive. I felt so isolated, and going back to my suite where the three other girls already knew each other from being from the same town and going to the same high school together just reinforced how alone I was.

Not to mention my pathetic love life wasn't going well at all either. A boy I was hooking up with here and there would spend time with me, we'd have sex, he'd leave and we'd lose all contact with each other until God knows when. He had recently visited, we had sex, he left, I had felt used again.

A glass of water. Sixteen pills of Tylenol. Down my throat, into my digestive system and then my bloodstream. I climb into bed, sob, and try to sleep. A phone call of sobbing to my dad explaining how stupid I felt about what I had just done.

"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I just did something very stupid. (sobs)"
"What'd you do?"
"I...I...I just swallowed sixteen pills of Tylenol. Oh God, I'm so stupid."
"Jessica. Jessica, I'm going to make some calls, ok?"
"(sobbing) Ok."
"I love you, Jessica."
"Thanks Dad, bye."

Half an hour later, a loud knock on the door and a booming voice questions, "Is everything ok?" My suite mates respond yes, everything is fine. An EMT asks for Jessica Seid, and my suite mates tell him that I'm in my room, they think. Another EMT in a loud voice starts talking to me, I start to cry, the blinds open, the light is so bright and blinding it makes everything seem so confused. I later find myself strapped to a gurney, in an ambulance, drinking activated charcoal. I refuse an IV.

I am admitted into UCSF's emergency room. I am evaluated, blood is drawn, toxicology tests say that I have overdosed. Had I not called my dad, and had he not called for help, I could've died.

--

i am awake
at fifteen to nine,
my boyfriend sleeps
and takes up my whole bed.
the weather is overcast,
gloomy, melancholy and really,
it sucks.
i'm cold,
tired,
i have strange and lurid
dreams,
i sleep inconsistently,
i can't stay asleep,
i am getting observed soon,
god this prose is such shit.



I NEED TO WRITE MORE!

oh my god.

there's so much going on.
but it's starting to slow,
i am happy.




i'm so happy.
i love my life.

thoughts as of late

this what has been going on in my life, in case anyone would like to be informed:

1. lately i've been thinking a lot about what i want to do with myself career-wise in the future. i've decided on something really uh, i don't know, unconventional i suppose and for the time being i'd like to be a researcher studying human interaction, specifically communication interaction. i think i'd like to have an emphasis on conversational analysis (since i pretty much do that everyday, and i'm already taking a class on it).
2. i have literally coughed so much in the past couple of weeks that my abs have gotten mildly stronger. they've been sore for the past couple of days too, but i'm SO GLAD it's abating.
3. i'll admit i'm an elitist in at least two ways. one being that i'm a music elitist (where i think that i pretty much listen to better music than you and will try to get you to download the same music i listen to) and two where i am a speech elitist, and i use (generally) elevated vocabulary. about the music elitism, i really do appreciate all music, just some more than others. diversity in music is what makes music so great, but seriously, an entire library of metal? come on. and about the speech elitism, i really can't help it. i just love words, i enjoy looking things up and learning more. sorry if that offends you or makes you feel uncomfortable, just tell me.
4. i live such a privileged life, and there's not one day where i don't think about that.
5. i am a sap.

ok, that is all.

bitches ain't shit!

one of the largest things in my life that i thrive upon is companionship. the friends that i've made have either stayed or gone off and left. one of the saddest things is when you reach out to a friend who won't meet you halfway. you lose a little bit, but in reality--why do you want to keep someone around who thinks on a one-track mind?

college so far hasn't been about taking classes and learning new things to acquire a BA, college has been "how to get along with people: 101". all it's been is been social event after social event; you interact with people that you'll get along with, that you'll become friends with and develop a relationship, or there will be some where both of your personalities just don't mesh. what's been funny is that after high school everyone goes their separate ways towards their respective colleges or workforce and it's always uttered, "oh keep in touch, don't change" and blah blah blah. the cliche admonition of how true friends will be the ones who manage to keep a foot in the doorway of your life has never resounded so clearly to me now.

how cryptic of me.

another shitty situation--
all out of energy,
tired of entertaining.
smile, say hi, all those stupid pleasantries
for days in and out,
you stress me out.

get out, get out,
please leave me alone.
i want to be alone.
i'm so tired, i just want to go home.

look what you did,
you violated my positive face
and now there is a frown
that looks unkindly and
will be hard-pressed to please.




somehow, there is always time to feel like shit.

fuck you weather--

you, along with your good friends known as really strong winds, worked together today to slap me with rain in my face, on my back, and on my legs. i'd like to take this time to thank you for that, it made my walk home from school all the more cold. i hope you know that my mother now thinks i'm going to catch a cold any day now because i got rained on in the face. and oh yeah, a special thanks to the wind for flipping my umbrella inside out and breaking all the spokes so now i have to get a replacement. THANKS A LOT!

well, uh

i think this is semi-poignant in regards to relationships with significant others, i don't know. you judge. this is totally inspired by how i've sporting a new 'do.


virtually after the aftermath of breaking up with someone or being dumped (get ready, this might sound dumb), i've cut my hair. yeah, yeah, i know, strange i suppose, but every one has got different therapeutic methods, right? every time i have had a couple strands trimmed off, or a bunch of locks chopped off at one time, i have felt completely "new" and different. new hair, new you! i figure you look physically different, so you are going to perceive yourself differently, as will others. it helped me to shed my "old" self, and rebuild my psyche and mentality.

try it sometime.

song recommendations for february

i think i'll start recommending some songs every so often.


1. Over Here (Young Jeezy & Bun-B), from the Ratatat Remixes, Vol. 2. by Ratatat.
Ratatat takes a popular hip-hop song and mixes it over their signature rock-synth beats and have produced and amazing, infectious track. Hip-hop is not dead!

2. In My Arms, from Destroy Rock And Roll by Mylo.
Julius introduced me to Mylo and later on gave me the CD which is now residing on my desk in San Diego. I love this whole album, but this is my favorite track off of it. It makes me feel all comforted or something, with its repetition of the lyric "If my heart's beating, yeah..."

3. Casimir Pulaski Day, from Come on, Feel the Illinoise by Sufjan Stevens.
Sufjan is one of the only folksy artists I'll listen to, not sure why. This song has got a somber subject about a friend's illness, but manages to feel upbeat with playful banjo twangs. I just like this song a lot.

4. I'm Glad I Hitched My Apple Wagon to Your Star, from The Best Party Ever by The Boy Least Likely To.
The Boy Least Likely To has probably gained a little more fame from having their song "Be Gentle With Me" making an appearance in the "Juno" Trailer on TV. This other track off of "The Best Party Ever" is just way fun and makes you want to sit with your friends in a circle and and snap your fingers or get one of those kiddie instrumental sets and pretend you're a a grand master with the tambourine or mini ukulele. It's got that one instrument that's shaped like a chicken drumstick and has those stripy groves and you use this mallet and scrape it across it to make this funny sound. Fun!

5. The Party Featuring Uffie, from Cross by Justice. (Also hosted on http://discodelicious.blogspot.com)
"Let's get this parrrrrty started rrrrrrright, let's get drunk and freaky flyyy/You with me so it's alright, we gonna stay up the whole night!" Everyone, let's party RIGHT NOW!! Uffie has got this cute, bubble gum-pop voice that's so girly and fun and makes you want to find the nearest dance floor and show everyone your hot moves. The one hosted on discodelicious has got this hip-hop sampling over it and enhances this already awesome song.

6. Nasty Habits, from Humanimals by Grand Ole Party.
This trio met while attending UCSC and migrated to San Francisco, then started making appearances around San Diego (yeah!). Singer Kristin Gundred has a blues suited voice, but on "Humanimals" appears assertive, I-won't-take-your-shit, and powerful. "Nasty Habits" has got contagious guitar and a rhythmic beat bound to get you singing in front of your mirror, or at least getting stuck in your head and thinking about the lyrics at a random time.

ok, that's it for now i think.

medicated.

i take a medication for my seratonin levels. very soon, i'll be taking one for my sleep.
it's such a joke how easy it is in this country to complain of an ailment,
and two minutes later you're handing over your prescription at the pharmacy.
swallow those pills, those symptoms go away,
the illness abates,
you're chemically altered.



i don't like to take medicine unless i absolutely can't stand it anymore. i think that your body is reacting in the way it knows how, and medicine shouldn't be the catalyst to alter anything. two days ago i told my doctor down in san diego "i've been having trouble sleeping" and the next day a prescription of ambien was waiting for me. no questions asked like, "how long has this been going on? what's your schedule like?" nothing like that. how alarming.