sick, sick, sick.

i have never felt this ill in my entire life. this past weekend has been less than amazing, and i have been enjoying spending my days feeling like absolute shit in my room. i sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more, and let me tell you, of all the summers that i have been sick, this one has got to be the most memorable. it's just really frustrating when you are in pain and you really want it to go away, but you don't know how to remedy it. i'm going to see the doctor in about three hours, but i am betting that they won't know what is wrong, just as i don't.

untitled

bathe me in the saddest of news,
for misery loves company.
my dignity sits besides me,
and contemplates on my actions,
thoughts, and feelings;
the ones to be enacted on,
or the ones that already have been.
i sleep the unsatisfying sleep,
the kind with dreams that haunt on and on.
the mornings are filled with stoicism--
or a regimented schedule--
and then late at night,
i am surrounded by the sobriety
of the teenage minds, of friends
whom i seem to be growing distant from.

oh, jessica.

i embarrassed myself so badly today.
i was definitely not drunk,
but it felt like it.
getting pointed at and talked about out in the open--
good one!

my heart is beating fast,
very, very fast.
i smell like various after shaves,
i know my sister secretly looks down on me,
and so do the people
who kept an eye out on me.
my heart is beating so quickly--
that it feels like i am never going to rest.

i am undeniably sorry to all.

i want to write so badly,
but the words are dry from my mouth.
there is a blockade in my brain,
but--
how to hurdle it?

nothing is going on,
but yet there is so much to say.

ugh.

you know what irritates me the most about you?
your inability to speak to me.
i can't possibly know what
you are thinking, feeling, doing--
and i don't want to constantly
ask, or have to wonder.

i feel as if it is a privilege to
get a response from you.
that is
absolutely,
undeniably
absurd.

you're so disconnected,
distant,
gone.

run on sentences

i listen to the same several songs over and over again.
i do not get tired of it.
i get tired of waking up early, however.
day after day after day--all because someone
is an idiot and can't take the time to read.
these days love is the equivalent of lust for me,
the line between the two is very, very blurred.
i'm going to have to learn to distinguish the two soon.
fuck,
it's hot.
i am obsessed with being thin.
let's all be thin, not carrying a little bit of weight,
because that's not socially acceptable,
and i have to assimilate and belong into the rest of society.
shit.

whoo! yeah! uh-huh! alright!

i have worked 17 hours in the past two days, both of which i've had to be awake at 8:30am!! YEAH SUMMER!!!!

but the plus side is is that i will be seeing the faint tomorrow and then going to LA until monday. sunday i see CSS!

i can't miss you.

but the air i breathe,
the people i know,
the emotions i feel--
dictate that it is but a lie.

why must my mind torture me
with this absurd anxiety of,
"does he still know i exist?" or,
"i wonder if he thinks about me,
as much as i do, him."
what a foolish, silly girl i am.



i don't know.
i miss you.

goddamn it.

dry tears form behind my eyes,
another round of depression is forming--
i can feel it, see it, sense it
and i wish i didn't.
all that glitters is dull;
i hide in my room,
draw the curtains shut and
stoically watch the sun blend
with the sky to leave into the night--
anxiety plagues like a parasitic disease
that refuses to leave its host.

no amount of hedonism and indulgence
can satisfy me,
pity, pity, pathetic.

spring sucks.

fall is always more momentous for me, because it marks the end of the season of ease and being laid-back. in addition, my birthday usually falls around that time too (along with yom kippur!). the transition from winter to spring kind of fills me with dread, and i'll tell you why.

ever since i've become aware of the concept of having a significant other, it seems that in the spring, everyone is hooking up and entering new relationships. that's everyone, minus me. certain years i don't care, some years i do. i think this year, i kind of do, but not to the extent i am going to depress myself over it. reflecting on past experiences makes me jealous of new lovers and i view their statuses as something i envy. i don't know if i necessarily feel lonely, but i crave affection, the idea of not going to bed alone, and things like that. ok, nevermind. i don't want to admit it, but i guess i am lonely after reading what i just said.



i think my problem is that i (well, at least i think i do) carry myself with such confidence and self-assurance that it puts people off that i really want nothing more than someone to hold, to kiss, to love.