a person's internal most innate affliction is towards themselves.
in a situation of loyalty, it lies not with others, but starts and ends with
me, myself, and i.
this is the greatest fault within humanity,
the notion that the world is a self-centric microcosm for them
makes everyone forget that their actions
have an effect on others.
everything has an equal and opposite reaction, if not a
disproportionate, non-equivocal sort of reaction.
----
i am better than you,
i will always be better than you.
your life is surrounded with materials,
but no real substance.
your friends are surreal,
they will not care for you as i did;
you're alone,
utterly alone, with no one to turn to.
you're living in a place you despise
and your life is made of monetary illusions.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
PAULA DEEN IS TOO INTENSE FOR ME
here is a report on her for my psycholinguistics class i recently did.
American English in the Southern Dialect, as Represented by Chef Paula Deen
Jessica Seid
PSY 531, Nelson
Summer 2008
Transcription 1: Appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, April 2008 on special location at Universal Studios, Orlando, Florida.
Speakers: E, Ellen DeGeneres, TV personality and comedienne. P, Paula Deen, TV personality and chef specializing in Southern cuisine.
E: Um, did you go ride anything after that?
P: I rode—Yes. I rode the scariest ride, y’all. I rode the merry-go-round with Jack.
E: Oh no.
P: Yes. And I…I got drunk.
E: Uh huh.
P: I got drunk! Heh heh heh!
E: Not on purpose.
P: Not on purpose! No, I was lookin’ all around and I’m standin’ up there holdin’ on ta Jack and I said, “Jack, granny is gettin’ drunk.”
E: Yeah.
P: Haha heh heh heh!
(Ellen and Paula laugh, audience applauses, cheers)
P: So I had ta only look at Jack b’cause it made me, it made me so swimmy-headed. But this afternoon after tha show, Jack ‘n Jamie ‘n Brooke, and Pepaw, Michael, who is gunna take Jack to one uh the, that place where all the rides are fuh little people…?
E: Uh huh, that’ll be fun!
P: Thas where I’m goin’.
E: That’s fun. And what about the…I would think that you’re a connoisseur of food, and since theme parks are known for their food, what do ya thank of the food here?
P: Oh my gosh I adore the food here, Ellen. Last night we went ta Univer—You know, through tha park and I got me a big o’ turkey leg.
E: Mmhmm.
P: It was so delicious. And then I had the funnel cake with the fish—fresh strawberries from Plant City, Florida y’all—they are to die for!
P: With vanilla ice cream and it was fabulous. So that was my supper.
Introduction
The Food Network’s resident Southern cuisine chef Paula Deen is known for her expertise in cooking Southern food. Having published four successful cookbooks and owning her own restaurant in addition to having several shows on the Food Network, something noticeable about Deen is her thick English dialect. Deen’s language usage and dialect is noted in her second appearance ever on the Ellen DeGeneres show when speaking naturally in response to questions fielded to her by DeGeneres. Deen was on the show to promote her newest cookbook with recipes from her sons, which came out in April of 2008. Deen was born in Albany, Georgia and currently resides in Savannah, Georgia, which is also the city where her successful restaurant, Lady and Sons is also located.
Concepts and Context
Dialects exist regionally; they are variants of a language characterized by its unique vocabulary, grammar and, pronunciation (phonology). It is recognized by other native speakers of the language as understandable, but is considered different. In the US, prominent dialects originate from the East coast, the West Coast, the Midwest, and the South. The southern dialect and its idiosyncrasies will be examined.
The southern American English dialect could also be considered a sociolect, a dialect characteristic of a particular social class. “Southern drawl” is a term often used to describe people who speak the dialect; it has a negative connotation on how speakers articulate the sounds of words to sound like there is very little enunciation, and it has very close history with the African American Vernacular English, as most slaves were African Americans working on plantations in the South.
Analysis
“Y’all” is a phrase that Deen tends to use frequently in her vernacular. This aspect of Southern American English grammar is a contraction of words “you” and “all” in the second person plural. “Y’all” is a multi-purpose pronoun, with the ability to be used in a group setting or be combined with the word “all” to augment a sense of familiarity and closeness. Commonly it is mistakenly thought that “y’all” can be used as a singular pronoun a plural pronoun. In the transcript, there is never a use of “y’all” in the singular form. Deen uses “y’all” to address the audience of DeGeneres’ show and couples DeGeneres in that term. “Y’all” is a characteristic of more modern Southern American English, stemming from the original dialects of the states that seceded from the Confederate States of America at the time of the Civil War.
Another feature of Deen’s talk is the incomplete enunciation of the morpheme /ing/. Deen tends to drop the /g/ phone. As in “lookin’”, “standin’”, and so on. This is consistent with Southern American English components such as adding extra phonemic sounds to words, or lacking distinction between vowel sounds. Deen also fails to completely enunciate the words “the”, “for”, and “to”. Instead, she says “tha”, “fuh”, and “ta”, respectively. Her incomplete pronunciation of these words has to do with sound articulation, or how words are pronounced through the respiratory, the laryngeal, and/or the vocal tract. Studying how Southern American English is, there is no concrete reason as to why these words are pronounced this way, but these sounds are produced with the custom shaping of the vocal tract when words are uttered with aspiration. The pronunciations are likely to have evolved from African American Vernacular English pronunciations, and AAVE itself stemmed from the coasts of Africa.
Deen also interjects regional lexicon of the South as well as her own personal words during her appearance on the show. In the beginning of the transcript, Deen claims of getting “drunk” off of a merry-go-round, and in context, the meaning of “drunk” most likely means “dizzy”. “Swimmy-headed” is another phrase Deen uses to describe her sensations felt from riding the merry-go-round, which also probably means a feeling of dizziness. “Pepaw” is a regional term for “grandfather”, a variant of original term “papaw”, as both are terms of endearment. Deen uses this term because she mainly talked about her grandson Jack and used his relationship to him as a reason to utter “pepaw”. “Supper” is a dated term for an evening meal, or dinner.
Deen’s Southern Georgian accent can be seen as a sociolect considering she hails from that region and her speech is thick with a Southern accent. She speaks slowly, with laughter littered throughout her discourse. Looking at Deen’s speech as a sociolect makes her seem less credible as a chef; her conversation is often sidetracked with stories of what she experienced that has nothing to do with the subject at hand, coupled along with speaking slowly with pauses, false starts, and speech errors. This speaking behavior can be witnessed on her various cooking shows broadcasted on the Food Network. Throughout her appearance on the Ellen Degeneres Show, Deen seemed to be dominating talk most of the time, giving host DeGeneres less time to interrupt Deen and ask her other questions. This made Deen seem slightly uncouth, and unaware of pragmatics, committing a social faux pas. Something odd Deen did was addressing the entire audience of the show, versus speaking to DeGeneres directly, which is fairly unconventional for a talk show (despite both the host and the guest having knowledge of a present audience). Southern American speech likes to be in the second person, as if to include others in an experience and therefore appear more outgoing and friendly.
Conclusion
Paula Deen is the perfect person to study when looking at Southern American English as a dialect. She has a “coastal Southern” accent that is non-rhotic (adding or dropping a /r/ sound before consonants in a word). Her vocabulary is flush with lexicon characteristic of Southern American English; she uses phrases like “y’all”, and drops the phonemic sounds of certain words.
Her speech behavior can be examined as a sociolect. Some mannerisms she carries while speaking is telling of a certain socio-economic status; at times her overzealousness to talk could be taken as being rude and being unaware of social rules, thus giving the idea that someone isn’t educated. Friendliness and “Southern hospitality” is something that the South is known for, and the second person voice of Southern American English alludes to inclusion and openness, to be amicable.
American English in the Southern Dialect, as Represented by Chef Paula Deen
Jessica Seid
PSY 531, Nelson
Summer 2008
Transcription 1: Appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, April 2008 on special location at Universal Studios, Orlando, Florida.
Speakers: E, Ellen DeGeneres, TV personality and comedienne. P, Paula Deen, TV personality and chef specializing in Southern cuisine.
E: Um, did you go ride anything after that?
P: I rode—Yes. I rode the scariest ride, y’all. I rode the merry-go-round with Jack.
E: Oh no.
P: Yes. And I…I got drunk.
E: Uh huh.
P: I got drunk! Heh heh heh!
E: Not on purpose.
P: Not on purpose! No, I was lookin’ all around and I’m standin’ up there holdin’ on ta Jack and I said, “Jack, granny is gettin’ drunk.”
E: Yeah.
P: Haha heh heh heh!
(Ellen and Paula laugh, audience applauses, cheers)
P: So I had ta only look at Jack b’cause it made me, it made me so swimmy-headed. But this afternoon after tha show, Jack ‘n Jamie ‘n Brooke, and Pepaw, Michael, who is gunna take Jack to one uh the, that place where all the rides are fuh little people…?
E: Uh huh, that’ll be fun!
P: Thas where I’m goin’.
E: That’s fun. And what about the…I would think that you’re a connoisseur of food, and since theme parks are known for their food, what do ya thank of the food here?
P: Oh my gosh I adore the food here, Ellen. Last night we went ta Univer—You know, through tha park and I got me a big o’ turkey leg.
E: Mmhmm.
P: It was so delicious. And then I had the funnel cake with the fish—fresh strawberries from Plant City, Florida y’all—they are to die for!
P: With vanilla ice cream and it was fabulous. So that was my supper.
Introduction
The Food Network’s resident Southern cuisine chef Paula Deen is known for her expertise in cooking Southern food. Having published four successful cookbooks and owning her own restaurant in addition to having several shows on the Food Network, something noticeable about Deen is her thick English dialect. Deen’s language usage and dialect is noted in her second appearance ever on the Ellen DeGeneres show when speaking naturally in response to questions fielded to her by DeGeneres. Deen was on the show to promote her newest cookbook with recipes from her sons, which came out in April of 2008. Deen was born in Albany, Georgia and currently resides in Savannah, Georgia, which is also the city where her successful restaurant, Lady and Sons is also located.
Concepts and Context
Dialects exist regionally; they are variants of a language characterized by its unique vocabulary, grammar and, pronunciation (phonology). It is recognized by other native speakers of the language as understandable, but is considered different. In the US, prominent dialects originate from the East coast, the West Coast, the Midwest, and the South. The southern dialect and its idiosyncrasies will be examined.
The southern American English dialect could also be considered a sociolect, a dialect characteristic of a particular social class. “Southern drawl” is a term often used to describe people who speak the dialect; it has a negative connotation on how speakers articulate the sounds of words to sound like there is very little enunciation, and it has very close history with the African American Vernacular English, as most slaves were African Americans working on plantations in the South.
Analysis
“Y’all” is a phrase that Deen tends to use frequently in her vernacular. This aspect of Southern American English grammar is a contraction of words “you” and “all” in the second person plural. “Y’all” is a multi-purpose pronoun, with the ability to be used in a group setting or be combined with the word “all” to augment a sense of familiarity and closeness. Commonly it is mistakenly thought that “y’all” can be used as a singular pronoun a plural pronoun. In the transcript, there is never a use of “y’all” in the singular form. Deen uses “y’all” to address the audience of DeGeneres’ show and couples DeGeneres in that term. “Y’all” is a characteristic of more modern Southern American English, stemming from the original dialects of the states that seceded from the Confederate States of America at the time of the Civil War.
Another feature of Deen’s talk is the incomplete enunciation of the morpheme /ing/. Deen tends to drop the /g/ phone. As in “lookin’”, “standin’”, and so on. This is consistent with Southern American English components such as adding extra phonemic sounds to words, or lacking distinction between vowel sounds. Deen also fails to completely enunciate the words “the”, “for”, and “to”. Instead, she says “tha”, “fuh”, and “ta”, respectively. Her incomplete pronunciation of these words has to do with sound articulation, or how words are pronounced through the respiratory, the laryngeal, and/or the vocal tract. Studying how Southern American English is, there is no concrete reason as to why these words are pronounced this way, but these sounds are produced with the custom shaping of the vocal tract when words are uttered with aspiration. The pronunciations are likely to have evolved from African American Vernacular English pronunciations, and AAVE itself stemmed from the coasts of Africa.
Deen also interjects regional lexicon of the South as well as her own personal words during her appearance on the show. In the beginning of the transcript, Deen claims of getting “drunk” off of a merry-go-round, and in context, the meaning of “drunk” most likely means “dizzy”. “Swimmy-headed” is another phrase Deen uses to describe her sensations felt from riding the merry-go-round, which also probably means a feeling of dizziness. “Pepaw” is a regional term for “grandfather”, a variant of original term “papaw”, as both are terms of endearment. Deen uses this term because she mainly talked about her grandson Jack and used his relationship to him as a reason to utter “pepaw”. “Supper” is a dated term for an evening meal, or dinner.
Deen’s Southern Georgian accent can be seen as a sociolect considering she hails from that region and her speech is thick with a Southern accent. She speaks slowly, with laughter littered throughout her discourse. Looking at Deen’s speech as a sociolect makes her seem less credible as a chef; her conversation is often sidetracked with stories of what she experienced that has nothing to do with the subject at hand, coupled along with speaking slowly with pauses, false starts, and speech errors. This speaking behavior can be witnessed on her various cooking shows broadcasted on the Food Network. Throughout her appearance on the Ellen Degeneres Show, Deen seemed to be dominating talk most of the time, giving host DeGeneres less time to interrupt Deen and ask her other questions. This made Deen seem slightly uncouth, and unaware of pragmatics, committing a social faux pas. Something odd Deen did was addressing the entire audience of the show, versus speaking to DeGeneres directly, which is fairly unconventional for a talk show (despite both the host and the guest having knowledge of a present audience). Southern American speech likes to be in the second person, as if to include others in an experience and therefore appear more outgoing and friendly.
Conclusion
Paula Deen is the perfect person to study when looking at Southern American English as a dialect. She has a “coastal Southern” accent that is non-rhotic (adding or dropping a /r/ sound before consonants in a word). Her vocabulary is flush with lexicon characteristic of Southern American English; she uses phrases like “y’all”, and drops the phonemic sounds of certain words.
Her speech behavior can be examined as a sociolect. Some mannerisms she carries while speaking is telling of a certain socio-economic status; at times her overzealousness to talk could be taken as being rude and being unaware of social rules, thus giving the idea that someone isn’t educated. Friendliness and “Southern hospitality” is something that the South is known for, and the second person voice of Southern American English alludes to inclusion and openness, to be amicable.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
so this one time
on a scale from not funny to hilarious (1-10) this following story is going to be about a 3. so just a disclaimer.
anyway, recently i thought about what happened during the week of my freshman orientation at sfsu when i was staying in belmont with my aunt and uncle. my uncle is really into astronomy as one of his many hobbies; he volunteers in high schools and teaches the students there the astronomy unit for them, and has volunteered for nasa in the past. he is also the president of the san mateo astronomy club and they have star parties at the local community college where a state-of-the-art observatory was built a few years ago. the week i was up he brought me to one of his club's monthly meetings where a well-known physicist was speaking. my uncle on my dad's side is really cool, highly resourceful, and immensely intelligent, and is also the only caucasian in an all chinese-american family. his club buddies would come up to us, where my uncle had set up his telescope that he brought along because jupiter was in view at the time. i was standing right next to him and my uncle would introduce me as his niece and initially every person had this look of confusion and didn't know where to look or who's hand to shake. how does a white guy have an asian niece?
he has an asian wife, duh.
anyway, recently i thought about what happened during the week of my freshman orientation at sfsu when i was staying in belmont with my aunt and uncle. my uncle is really into astronomy as one of his many hobbies; he volunteers in high schools and teaches the students there the astronomy unit for them, and has volunteered for nasa in the past. he is also the president of the san mateo astronomy club and they have star parties at the local community college where a state-of-the-art observatory was built a few years ago. the week i was up he brought me to one of his club's monthly meetings where a well-known physicist was speaking. my uncle on my dad's side is really cool, highly resourceful, and immensely intelligent, and is also the only caucasian in an all chinese-american family. his club buddies would come up to us, where my uncle had set up his telescope that he brought along because jupiter was in view at the time. i was standing right next to him and my uncle would introduce me as his niece and initially every person had this look of confusion and didn't know where to look or who's hand to shake. how does a white guy have an asian niece?
he has an asian wife, duh.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
friend, n. a reciprocal, mutual relationship.
our definition of "friendship" totally differs,
but the difference between your shitty one and mine
is that i care to include you in the picture.
i care to consider your feelings,
your wants, your needs.
a friend to you is disposable,
easily replaceable--
i thought middle school ended years ago!
you're an adult and you don't know
these common concepts?
that sucks for you.
you're going to burn your bridges
faster than you can build them.
but the difference between your shitty one and mine
is that i care to include you in the picture.
i care to consider your feelings,
your wants, your needs.
a friend to you is disposable,
easily replaceable--
i thought middle school ended years ago!
you're an adult and you don't know
these common concepts?
that sucks for you.
you're going to burn your bridges
faster than you can build them.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
question--
i know there are numerous people who don't care and would taunt conservationists and people who are trying to conserve and protect the environment, but here's something to think about:
with all of the poverty and the imbalance of wealth in the world, how do you justify conservation efforts? ex. there is a mother trying to feed her four kids, and you go up and tell her that saving polar bears in the north is just as important as feeding her children?
with all of the poverty and the imbalance of wealth in the world, how do you justify conservation efforts? ex. there is a mother trying to feed her four kids, and you go up and tell her that saving polar bears in the north is just as important as feeding her children?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
not so nice
one of the best ways to show contempt for someone
is to totally ignore them.
it's the most effective way to show
how much you completely
hate,
loathe,
dread,
dislike
their presence,
their breath.
i'm insensitive, i know.
is to totally ignore them.
it's the most effective way to show
how much you completely
hate,
loathe,
dread,
dislike
their presence,
their breath.
i'm insensitive, i know.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
several questions--
give me some responses!
1. if you were to have a child/children, regardless of how you feel about having children in the future, what could we expect to see? (eg. you would have a girl, she would have brown hair, etc.)
2. why did your parents give you the name you have?
3. should the government substantially fund the arts?
4. who wants to help me with calculus? :)
1. if you were to have a child/children, regardless of how you feel about having children in the future, what could we expect to see? (eg. you would have a girl, she would have brown hair, etc.)
2. why did your parents give you the name you have?
3. should the government substantially fund the arts?
4. who wants to help me with calculus? :)
Thursday, April 10, 2008
if you know me, you'll know i'll be straight with you and tell you how much you suck, or how much i value you, or what have you. i probably see things in you that are worth mentioning, and either make you a good person or someone who everyone's going to hate. i'm really curious as to what's really indicative in a person as to what they perceive to be as bad, or good, favorable, displeasing, and so on. to one person, i could be full of qualities they hate and they could totally despise me. conversely, someone could see all these bad qualities i feel really are a thorn in my side, but it is interpreted as wonderful. is this all based off of one's own pre-developed values, morals, ethics, etc.?
i want to know.
i want to know.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
september
College--the place you're suppose to go for a higher education, the time in your life older adults swear to be the "best time of your entire life", and is also the time where most students live a second life away from home, AKA dorm life. My second semester as a student at San Francisco State University and doing round two of the whole dorm thing hardly sounds like one of the contributing factors to nearly killing me, but it did, and I survived.
Days upon days of sleeping in my private dorm room, secluding myself out of the suite life with my suite mates to choose moping and crying instead of being social, and wondering why my life seemed to get worse and worse took a toll on my psyche and delivered me into the center of a dark depression. But this all started because of a cast-iron skillet. A stupid, cast-iron pan. Oh, and also a skinny bitch with the largest nose anyone on earth could ever imagine on a face!
Neurotic to say the least, Jane (name changed) and I had no previous mode of reference, and were forced to live in the same suite as each other, with our rooms right next to each other and also had to share a bathroom. She was always nit-picky about the most trivial things like furniture arrangement, and which toiletries were considerably important to be allowed to stay out on the countertop of the bathroom. Now Jane here, she had a particular item that she temporarily had kept in her room, and this item happened to be a cast-iron skillet. Finding that silly, the cast-iron skillet was moved into the kitchen, where its status went from "purely for Jane's use" to "public domain". I was unaware of the skillet's previous status, and used it one afternoon to heat up a tortilla. I washed it, dried it (although I admit it could've be dried a little more thoroughly), and set it out on the dish rack next to the sink to air-dry. Jane comes out of her room an hour later, sees the pan, questions how her pan was used. I respond that I used it to heat up a tortilla, and apologized for not doing a good enough dry job. Jane proceeds to overreact upon inspecting the pan, claiming that it's fucked up, it's of no use anymore, and how her grandma gave it to her as a gift. Feeling in the wrong, I apologize profusely, and promise to replace the pan. Normal people would've accepted the apology and reconciliation, but not Jane.
Day two after the pan incident Jane complains about the skillet's damage. Day three more complaints, another offer from me to replace the pan. Day five, more complaints topped with a sassy remark, "So do you want to replace my pan, because this one's fucked." Day eight, calls to her mother about what to do (with reassurance from her mother that the skillet would be fine), and another request to replace the skillet, with extreme overtones of attitude. At this point, I am frustrated beyond belief with Jane and her refusal to accept anything from me that I start crying, which makes Jane feel like a black-hearted person. With the heaviest stench of phoniness even the sickest person with the worst of congestion could smell, Jane came into my room to comfort me and said that she wasn't mad at me. WHAT THE HELL?!
Classes at school were not going as I had expected them to--they were boring, nothing really interested me, I felt like a loner who couldn't seem to make any friends, and previous friends I had made weren't being responsive. I felt so isolated, and going back to my suite where the three other girls already knew each other from being from the same town and going to the same high school together just reinforced how alone I was.
Not to mention my pathetic love life wasn't going well at all either. A boy I was hooking up with here and there would spend time with me, we'd have sex, he'd leave and we'd lose all contact with each other until God knows when. He had recently visited, we had sex, he left, I had felt used again.
A glass of water. Sixteen pills of Tylenol. Down my throat, into my digestive system and then my bloodstream. I climb into bed, sob, and try to sleep. A phone call of sobbing to my dad explaining how stupid I felt about what I had just done.
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I just did something very stupid. (sobs)"
"What'd you do?"
"I...I...I just swallowed sixteen pills of Tylenol. Oh God, I'm so stupid."
"Jessica. Jessica, I'm going to make some calls, ok?"
"(sobbing) Ok."
"I love you, Jessica."
"Thanks Dad, bye."
Half an hour later, a loud knock on the door and a booming voice questions, "Is everything ok?" My suite mates respond yes, everything is fine. An EMT asks for Jessica Seid, and my suite mates tell him that I'm in my room, they think. Another EMT in a loud voice starts talking to me, I start to cry, the blinds open, the light is so bright and blinding it makes everything seem so confused. I later find myself strapped to a gurney, in an ambulance, drinking activated charcoal. I refuse an IV.
I am admitted into UCSF's emergency room. I am evaluated, blood is drawn, toxicology tests say that I have overdosed. Had I not called my dad, and had he not called for help, I could've died.
Days upon days of sleeping in my private dorm room, secluding myself out of the suite life with my suite mates to choose moping and crying instead of being social, and wondering why my life seemed to get worse and worse took a toll on my psyche and delivered me into the center of a dark depression. But this all started because of a cast-iron skillet. A stupid, cast-iron pan. Oh, and also a skinny bitch with the largest nose anyone on earth could ever imagine on a face!
Neurotic to say the least, Jane (name changed) and I had no previous mode of reference, and were forced to live in the same suite as each other, with our rooms right next to each other and also had to share a bathroom. She was always nit-picky about the most trivial things like furniture arrangement, and which toiletries were considerably important to be allowed to stay out on the countertop of the bathroom. Now Jane here, she had a particular item that she temporarily had kept in her room, and this item happened to be a cast-iron skillet. Finding that silly, the cast-iron skillet was moved into the kitchen, where its status went from "purely for Jane's use" to "public domain". I was unaware of the skillet's previous status, and used it one afternoon to heat up a tortilla. I washed it, dried it (although I admit it could've be dried a little more thoroughly), and set it out on the dish rack next to the sink to air-dry. Jane comes out of her room an hour later, sees the pan, questions how her pan was used. I respond that I used it to heat up a tortilla, and apologized for not doing a good enough dry job. Jane proceeds to overreact upon inspecting the pan, claiming that it's fucked up, it's of no use anymore, and how her grandma gave it to her as a gift. Feeling in the wrong, I apologize profusely, and promise to replace the pan. Normal people would've accepted the apology and reconciliation, but not Jane.
Day two after the pan incident Jane complains about the skillet's damage. Day three more complaints, another offer from me to replace the pan. Day five, more complaints topped with a sassy remark, "So do you want to replace my pan, because this one's fucked." Day eight, calls to her mother about what to do (with reassurance from her mother that the skillet would be fine), and another request to replace the skillet, with extreme overtones of attitude. At this point, I am frustrated beyond belief with Jane and her refusal to accept anything from me that I start crying, which makes Jane feel like a black-hearted person. With the heaviest stench of phoniness even the sickest person with the worst of congestion could smell, Jane came into my room to comfort me and said that she wasn't mad at me. WHAT THE HELL?!
Classes at school were not going as I had expected them to--they were boring, nothing really interested me, I felt like a loner who couldn't seem to make any friends, and previous friends I had made weren't being responsive. I felt so isolated, and going back to my suite where the three other girls already knew each other from being from the same town and going to the same high school together just reinforced how alone I was.
Not to mention my pathetic love life wasn't going well at all either. A boy I was hooking up with here and there would spend time with me, we'd have sex, he'd leave and we'd lose all contact with each other until God knows when. He had recently visited, we had sex, he left, I had felt used again.
A glass of water. Sixteen pills of Tylenol. Down my throat, into my digestive system and then my bloodstream. I climb into bed, sob, and try to sleep. A phone call of sobbing to my dad explaining how stupid I felt about what I had just done.
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I just did something very stupid. (sobs)"
"What'd you do?"
"I...I...I just swallowed sixteen pills of Tylenol. Oh God, I'm so stupid."
"Jessica. Jessica, I'm going to make some calls, ok?"
"(sobbing) Ok."
"I love you, Jessica."
"Thanks Dad, bye."
Half an hour later, a loud knock on the door and a booming voice questions, "Is everything ok?" My suite mates respond yes, everything is fine. An EMT asks for Jessica Seid, and my suite mates tell him that I'm in my room, they think. Another EMT in a loud voice starts talking to me, I start to cry, the blinds open, the light is so bright and blinding it makes everything seem so confused. I later find myself strapped to a gurney, in an ambulance, drinking activated charcoal. I refuse an IV.
I am admitted into UCSF's emergency room. I am evaluated, blood is drawn, toxicology tests say that I have overdosed. Had I not called my dad, and had he not called for help, I could've died.
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