at the end of the day, i still have much.

like the huge sap i am, i saw my aunt the other day and started crying. if you're not familiar with what happened, basically last thursday i decided to get up and leave san diego (without really telling anyone), my car breaks down in the grapepvine, i got stranded in the grapevine, etc. etc. i ended up in sf. this has probably been one of the more traumatic incidents i've had, but my aunt put into perspective that at the end of the day, i am still fortunate. here's an email between her and i where she "assigned" me to write about five blessing in my life.


Well done Jessica! I'm glad to see the thought you put into this.

Will call you later today or tonight, just to touch base. You can let me know, if you like, what 3 or so priority things you got off your list today. Our lists never end though as something else keeps getting added. But having things prioritized helps the list from becoming totally overwhelming.

Love,
A. Nanci

At 09:57 PM 8/27/2007, you wrote:
So, five blessings. Here goes:
1. I am fortunate enough to have a higher education; I know it's really taken for granted. I was talking to my friend Pierre who attends school in Montpellier in France and he always complains about how the French school system really does suck (even though college is public and already paid for by taxes, so really his family isn't set back at all). This just kind of stimulated my mind to think that there are people my age who haven't had any formal schooling at all.
2. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends. You, Aunt Nanci, have been indispensable this past week and I don't know how much I can express how grateful I am. Family in the past has always been there for me, and I have learned that they are the only constant in your life. Friends have said things here and there that let me know that they value our friendship and that I mean something to them (of course, I've done that in return!).
3. I have a meal everyday. Never have I gone to bed hungry (unless I elected to not eat whatever was for dinner, hah).
4. I am in good health. Sometimes I think about my mother and how bad she has it with her allergies and heart problems, and I kind of think to myself how glad I am that I'm not crippled with bad health and feeling awful all the time. Sometimes she's in so much pain that I wish I could take some of it away.
5. I have a shelter, and clothing to wear. I am glad I'm not walking around cold and naked. I also have somewhere to sleep at night, not having to wonder where I am going to spend the night and where I'll wake up in the morning.

Alright, I am going to go indulge in a teenage drama show; I'm also talking with my roommates more, so I feel better about things. I'm looking forward to going home Friday, so yeah, you're right, things will get better. I'll talk to you soon. Goodnight!

sigh.

you know that it's said that hindsight is 20/20,
how i wish that wasn't true.
i just HAD to get up and leave san diego,
leave my friends, my sister,
my life for the past two and a half months,
to a more urban area that i thought i desired more
than dear old san diego.

i got myself into this position
of misery and discomfort--
i wish that
dismal situations like these
could be erased and forgotten.
i want nothing more than
to be in the company of friends,
family,
familiar faces,
someone who i can soak their sleeves
with my pathetic tears.


back to sleep, then.

no one wants to write your eulogy.

you are gone,
you left to walk across a highway
only to never wake again.
it's so strange to hear,
almost unreal.
i remember so many things-
some good, some bad,
some funny, and some maddening.

there will never be anyone
to replace you,
your bryan-isms,
your misogyny,
your curiosity,
your eccentricity,
your love and fervor for life.

we are left here to sit and
wonder why--
why you had to leave,
and why you couldn't stay.

it just feels like all of us
have stopped to hold our breaths for you,
waiting to see if you'll give a call,
or drive up in your purple accord.
the world has stopped for you bryan,
and it'll slowly turn again
with memories of you.
oh and the stories of you,
we have and will all be talking;
these stories,
they have made you
so, so famous.

it is impossible now
to describe to you
what you meant,
how much you are loved,
how much you will be missed.


may your heart and soul rest in peace.

it's awful how time slips by,
and you know it leave you
because you're sitting in front of the clock,
observing the second-hand
tick, tick, tick.
so many missed opportunities to spend time
with your friends who have said,
"we HAVE to hang out"--
but it goes by, without anyone noticing.

apathy from my end,
apathy from your end.

perhaps the interests are changing too much
and we both don't care enough
to to tell each other.

i'm kind of ready for SF again.

i've been so busy with work and school, and it's consuming my life. i've gone out and physically left my house to spend time with friends a little more this month than i have the past couple months, and it feels good to finally have done so. now that that's happened, i'm kind of really over being in san diego, having a cyclical routine of work, study, school, sleep that i repeat day to day; i haven't gone to the beach, i haven't gone up north, i haven't left the vicinity of southern california and it's stifling. someone come sit in my car and sleep while i drive.

i am wasting my time.

no, no--

i don't want to give you incorrect notions.
you are too innocent,
and sweet--
much too kind for a girl like me
who is inconsiderate and brutal with her words;
i am going to hurt you,
i know i will,
and i can't prevent it
without damaging your heart.

why must it always be
that you are presented with something
that you don't want,
but you should--
only because it is good for you,
beneficial for your life,
rewarding, and all of that other shit--
and you never get what you want,
that which may set you back,
but could be much more satisfying?

...but i always get what i want.

friendships lately have been so strange, it feels as if enemies are forcing facades and attempting to tolerate each other. i feel like the cohesion that we all once had has dissipated into something so weak, that no one finds it worth diluting again. it's my fault, it's your fault, it's the fault of transition and time. oh well.

so it goes:

ah yes,
fill my life with the chaos of trouble,
i am in the midst of so much irresponsibility.
emotions really do cloud
your better judgement,
and you wake up the next morning
feeling like the moron of the century--
the person who never seems to learn,
mistake after mistake.

it's apparent in the way
your hair is stringy,
lips chapped, swollen eyes
full of tiredness;
growing gaunt with the tides of depression
that makes food bland and dull.

it's time to wise up--
stay away from the drugs
that make you so fucked up.

ummm

online college classes suck just as much as actually going to a real class. my interpersonal communication class makes me want to never talk to anyone ever again.

anyway, i found my yearbook from 5th grade and every class listed the profession they'd want to delve in or what they wanted to be when they grew up. some of the occupations still are very fitting and would definitely apply for some of the people that wrote them, others, you'd really have to think about it because it's so perplexing. there are all these pictures in there that i have no recollection of being a part of, but i guess i was there because there's a picture of me? it's so funny to introspect on what was a decade or so ago.