ugh.

you know what irritates me the most about you?
your inability to speak to me.
i can't possibly know what
you are thinking, feeling, doing--
and i don't want to constantly
ask, or have to wonder.

i feel as if it is a privilege to
get a response from you.
that is
absolutely,
undeniably
absurd.

you're so disconnected,
distant,
gone.

run on sentences

i listen to the same several songs over and over again.
i do not get tired of it.
i get tired of waking up early, however.
day after day after day--all because someone
is an idiot and can't take the time to read.
these days love is the equivalent of lust for me,
the line between the two is very, very blurred.
i'm going to have to learn to distinguish the two soon.
fuck,
it's hot.
i am obsessed with being thin.
let's all be thin, not carrying a little bit of weight,
because that's not socially acceptable,
and i have to assimilate and belong into the rest of society.
shit.

whoo! yeah! uh-huh! alright!

i have worked 17 hours in the past two days, both of which i've had to be awake at 8:30am!! YEAH SUMMER!!!!

but the plus side is is that i will be seeing the faint tomorrow and then going to LA until monday. sunday i see CSS!

i can't miss you.

but the air i breathe,
the people i know,
the emotions i feel--
dictate that it is but a lie.

why must my mind torture me
with this absurd anxiety of,
"does he still know i exist?" or,
"i wonder if he thinks about me,
as much as i do, him."
what a foolish, silly girl i am.



i don't know.
i miss you.

goddamn it.

dry tears form behind my eyes,
another round of depression is forming--
i can feel it, see it, sense it
and i wish i didn't.
all that glitters is dull;
i hide in my room,
draw the curtains shut and
stoically watch the sun blend
with the sky to leave into the night--
anxiety plagues like a parasitic disease
that refuses to leave its host.

no amount of hedonism and indulgence
can satisfy me,
pity, pity, pathetic.

spring sucks.

fall is always more momentous for me, because it marks the end of the season of ease and being laid-back. in addition, my birthday usually falls around that time too (along with yom kippur!). the transition from winter to spring kind of fills me with dread, and i'll tell you why.

ever since i've become aware of the concept of having a significant other, it seems that in the spring, everyone is hooking up and entering new relationships. that's everyone, minus me. certain years i don't care, some years i do. i think this year, i kind of do, but not to the extent i am going to depress myself over it. reflecting on past experiences makes me jealous of new lovers and i view their statuses as something i envy. i don't know if i necessarily feel lonely, but i crave affection, the idea of not going to bed alone, and things like that. ok, nevermind. i don't want to admit it, but i guess i am lonely after reading what i just said.



i think my problem is that i (well, at least i think i do) carry myself with such confidence and self-assurance that it puts people off that i really want nothing more than someone to hold, to kiss, to love.

alkdsjfh.

i think i end up making things stressful; i have been home for one day and already i feel overwhelmed with things to do, people to see, obligations to fulfill. there is something severly really off-balance with me STILL and i don't know, it's aggrivating but i can't act out on it. i still feel as apathetic as before; i wonder when this will stop. i am increasingly spending my time in solitude, which i prefer because it's the least stressful option. but there's an element that friends fill with their company and it's a difficult trade-off for me because there will be pressure to do things i don't want to do. music has become an opiate for me, i have had an affinity to listening to music and doing absolutely nothing but listening for hours on end.

i need to get out of my house and quit being so anti-social.

and now the school year is coming to and end,
i reflect how my transition is actually a god-send.
miserable up north,
to my parents i came forth
and confessed that humboldt was not meshing with me.

my exodus from san francisco is next week,
and upon returning home,
it will be the faces i have not seen forever that i will seek.
one of my favorite things to do
is to sit, talk, mingle--and have a whole crew
of acquaintances and friends bask in each other's company
on the backdrop of a party.

a piece of shit monologue about my affair with coke for speech

Being Friends With Drugs

They say that your friends are the largest influences in your life. It makes sense; you grow to love them, they become a part of your family, they are people that you cannot imagine living without. But friends come and go. Some need to go.
Over a year ago, I hung out with some real classy people. And by real classy, I actually mean trashy. These people who I developed friendships with, made me friends with drugs. We’d smoke cocaine out of clear, shiny, glass light bulbs , cut each other lines with our debit cards or drivers license on a disinfected glass table, then go downstairs to inhale cigarette smoke or pack bowls and get high.
I was finding happiness and satisfaction in coke. Cocaine and I were like a person with a pacemaker: wherever I went, coke came with me to keep me alive. We were inseparable—I’d wake up, snort a couple lines before school, get in the car to drive my sister and I to class, snort more at school, go home, and snort some more or snort some before work. We were very good friends for several months, before I realized that I was always giving, and cocaine was just taking.
So, I did some gardening with hard drugs and people who live, breathe, sleep, and eat them. I pulled them out like weeds, to let the rest of my life flourish.

before sunrise.

it is pitch black,
but the birds call.
i've always wondered why
they croon, or chirp so early in the morning.

i sit here huddled in the dark--
it sends me to a depressive place.
i don't get answers in the dark,
rather,
i lay on my side and wait for morning.

the sighing continues,
i contemplate, i agonize,
i feel, i cry.
there is nothing to do but
listen to the repetition of
inhale,
exhale,
inhale,
exhale.

the sighs only get louder.