it's been awhile

i just thought of the crappy emo stain'd song that just came out. but anyway...



the past three years have been the most shameful, embarrassing, maddening, upsetting, depressing, deafening, involved, chaotic, surreal, unreal, empty, hedonistic, foolish, yet enlightening years i think that i will have ever lived. so many memories of me fucking up, me accomplishing things, me fucking up again, that stupid cycle. but for now--i feel as if i'm living in the best time of my life--something that i have not let myself feel or experience for awhile because i was trying to guard myself.

i've had a shield of anxiety that's defended me in all the wrong ways; it was giving me awful feelings of worry, racing thoughts of things to come and things yet to come. why so up in arms for so long? i was a product of believing lies, loving all things deceptive, a subject of abuse. it feels as if i've had my lungs filled with air, holding my breath, and i've finally been able to exhale, and inhale fresh air again. and it feels absolutely wonderful.