fuck you weather--

you, along with your good friends known as really strong winds, worked together today to slap me with rain in my face, on my back, and on my legs. i'd like to take this time to thank you for that, it made my walk home from school all the more cold. i hope you know that my mother now thinks i'm going to catch a cold any day now because i got rained on in the face. and oh yeah, a special thanks to the wind for flipping my umbrella inside out and breaking all the spokes so now i have to get a replacement. THANKS A LOT!

well, uh

i think this is semi-poignant in regards to relationships with significant others, i don't know. you judge. this is totally inspired by how i've sporting a new 'do.


virtually after the aftermath of breaking up with someone or being dumped (get ready, this might sound dumb), i've cut my hair. yeah, yeah, i know, strange i suppose, but every one has got different therapeutic methods, right? every time i have had a couple strands trimmed off, or a bunch of locks chopped off at one time, i have felt completely "new" and different. new hair, new you! i figure you look physically different, so you are going to perceive yourself differently, as will others. it helped me to shed my "old" self, and rebuild my psyche and mentality.

try it sometime.

song recommendations for february

i think i'll start recommending some songs every so often.


1. Over Here (Young Jeezy & Bun-B), from the Ratatat Remixes, Vol. 2. by Ratatat.
Ratatat takes a popular hip-hop song and mixes it over their signature rock-synth beats and have produced and amazing, infectious track. Hip-hop is not dead!

2. In My Arms, from Destroy Rock And Roll by Mylo.
Julius introduced me to Mylo and later on gave me the CD which is now residing on my desk in San Diego. I love this whole album, but this is my favorite track off of it. It makes me feel all comforted or something, with its repetition of the lyric "If my heart's beating, yeah..."

3. Casimir Pulaski Day, from Come on, Feel the Illinoise by Sufjan Stevens.
Sufjan is one of the only folksy artists I'll listen to, not sure why. This song has got a somber subject about a friend's illness, but manages to feel upbeat with playful banjo twangs. I just like this song a lot.

4. I'm Glad I Hitched My Apple Wagon to Your Star, from The Best Party Ever by The Boy Least Likely To.
The Boy Least Likely To has probably gained a little more fame from having their song "Be Gentle With Me" making an appearance in the "Juno" Trailer on TV. This other track off of "The Best Party Ever" is just way fun and makes you want to sit with your friends in a circle and and snap your fingers or get one of those kiddie instrumental sets and pretend you're a a grand master with the tambourine or mini ukulele. It's got that one instrument that's shaped like a chicken drumstick and has those stripy groves and you use this mallet and scrape it across it to make this funny sound. Fun!

5. The Party Featuring Uffie, from Cross by Justice. (Also hosted on http://discodelicious.blogspot.com)
"Let's get this parrrrrty started rrrrrrright, let's get drunk and freaky flyyy/You with me so it's alright, we gonna stay up the whole night!" Everyone, let's party RIGHT NOW!! Uffie has got this cute, bubble gum-pop voice that's so girly and fun and makes you want to find the nearest dance floor and show everyone your hot moves. The one hosted on discodelicious has got this hip-hop sampling over it and enhances this already awesome song.

6. Nasty Habits, from Humanimals by Grand Ole Party.
This trio met while attending UCSC and migrated to San Francisco, then started making appearances around San Diego (yeah!). Singer Kristin Gundred has a blues suited voice, but on "Humanimals" appears assertive, I-won't-take-your-shit, and powerful. "Nasty Habits" has got contagious guitar and a rhythmic beat bound to get you singing in front of your mirror, or at least getting stuck in your head and thinking about the lyrics at a random time.

ok, that's it for now i think.

medicated.

i take a medication for my seratonin levels. very soon, i'll be taking one for my sleep.
it's such a joke how easy it is in this country to complain of an ailment,
and two minutes later you're handing over your prescription at the pharmacy.
swallow those pills, those symptoms go away,
the illness abates,
you're chemically altered.



i don't like to take medicine unless i absolutely can't stand it anymore. i think that your body is reacting in the way it knows how, and medicine shouldn't be the catalyst to alter anything. two days ago i told my doctor down in san diego "i've been having trouble sleeping" and the next day a prescription of ambien was waiting for me. no questions asked like, "how long has this been going on? what's your schedule like?" nothing like that. how alarming.

age

what a stupid concept,
a means to determine someone's amount of
experience,
knowledge, maturity...
it's such a meaningless marker--
a number and a number only.

crying

aside from seeing my dad cry at his father's funeral, i've really only seen my dad cry three other times. once i remember making him cry at the dinner table. i had asked him, "dad, do you miss your mom?" this question came about a month or so after my grandmother had passed away, and i probably could've used a little more tact in saying that some four, five years ago. after asking that, he went silent, took off his glasses, his lip quivered, then started to cry with the sounds that made my heart sink. i felt like the most awful daughter to have been born.

the next time was when i started college way off in the hedges of nowhere in arcata. my dad had helped me get settled in at my dorm at humboldt state, and stayed for a couple of days until school was about to begin. when it was time for him to leave and catch a flight home, my dad hugged me goodbye, told me to be good, and then burst out into tears. that made me cry too, but i tried to be a mature college student about it, and tried to conceal that i was crying too. he turned to leave, i waved goodbye, and turned to cry and bury my face in a towel. reverberating down the hall, i could hear my dad sniffling, choked up with tears and the uneven, labored breathing that comes with crying. that has got to be one of the most heart-wrenching moments in my life.

a few days ago, my family had helped me move into where i am now, in an apartment in san francisco. everyone knew i was obstinate in accompanying my family home to san diego, and as the days went by for them to leave, i think it especially made my dad suffer. everyone else had been fine with saying bye to me, but not my dad. when his turn came to bid me farewell, he stood off to the side, and looked down at his feet. i was looking at him in bewilderment--what was he doing? then i realized that he was trying not to cry in front of his daughters and his wife. then i started to cry. turning, he hugged me tightly, told me he loves me, let go, turned to my mom and sister and told me that he had left something on my computer. then there was a door in my face, my family had left.


i've always wondered why crying can have this strange chain reaction, like yawning. when someone cries, others cry as well even thought they may not feel the same sorrow, or someone yawns just because someone else has yawned because it's reminded them that they are tired as well.

maybe i'm a huge sap, like i think i am.

day...day whatever of this bullshit,
yet i mill around it all the damn time.
has it really become so irritating
that everything seems
to remind me of you?

at least this audition's over.
no cues to prepare for,
less stress for me, but
more sadness and emptiness
ambush from stage right.

and at least i'm not stupid,
i knew--yes. i definitely did.
something so weak with no support,
no foundation,
just words and sharing body heat--
sweetie, you know that things like that,
they don't last long.

i'm not going to describe this
as another cliche "learning experience"
or "character building lesson."
no, it's more simple than that,
a coward with selfish intentions
bruising another heart.

this charade's finally over,
and i'm forcing myself to
not give
a
damn.

sleepovers

i think one of the first times i spent the night at someone else's house other than mine was with my childhood friend jordan and his sister amanda. i was i don't know, eight? my sister was with me, but that wasn't at all comforting. we were there either it was someone's birthday or my parents wanted to get away from my sister and i for a little, i don't remember. i experienced the expected symptoms of homesickness-- anxiety about when my parents were going to return, being afraid of the dark (but at least there was a night light), sleeplessness, being uncomfortable on the floor, being self-conscious about whether i was going to sleep with my mouth open, or breathe too loud--typical feelings of someone who's never slept somewhere other than their own house. but the thing that bothered me the most was that i was sleeping in the same room as a BOY. you know, the other gender who don't have vaginas, like playing world of warcraft, and think that girls are way sissy. it was understood that at my age that yeah, i talked to boys and was friends with boys, but come on, sleepovers with boys? weren't either of our parents concerned that some sort of late night antics were going to occur? maybe the fact that we had all known each other for a really long time and that jordan was outnumbered three to one was a huge deterrent, or hey, maybe that seven year-olds don't go around feeling each other under the covers.

this pseudo-catharsis is really about how homosexuality is totally ignored when a child is raised. well, i suppose it makes sense; why bring it up to your kids that there are some families that have two mommies or two daddies? how do you explain how that came about to a young person? you tell me. all along i knew that if i wanted to invite a girl friend over, that she was allowed to sleepover at my house. but if i ever desired to have a boy sleep over, no dice. at that young of an age, i didn't even realize what menstruation was, or that people have sex to produce babies. at that age (unless you parents were extremely liberal), as far as you and your parents are concerned. only heterosexuality exists because that's what's normal, that's what's accepted. life to me was that your mom gets pregnant (by miracle, of course), your birthday comes, you grow up and go to school, graduate, get a job, get married to a man, and then raise your own family and then eventually die.

i'm pretty sure watching tv or some other media source was the bearer of good/bad news.roundabout middle school, that's when i realized homosexuality, and other LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer) orientations existed. the homosexuality "lifestyle" is really nothing new; the biblical area was apparently aware it existed because the bible discussed sodomy, so that's some 6,000+ years already that men loving men and women loving women have been around. why shroud this in mystery, or pretend it doesn't exist? is it because my parents were so disgusted by two people of the same gender who chose to be intimate with each other that they chose to not acknowledge it to my sister and i, seemingly never, or was it that they were ignorant about the LGBTQ community? was it that their parents never talked to them about it, therefore they chose to do the same with my sister and i?

thoughts?

death death death death death death dying death dead dying dying dead dead dead.

three of my most hated words in the english language.
i've wished death upon others, myself--
i've realized how juvenile that really is.
it's too bad that
death has to occur
to make you realize
how important living is.

love love care kindness
love unconditional love.

on death

sadness must accompany happiness,
chaos among tranquility,
cold with the heat;
the old versus the young,
the timid and the bold;
the juxtaposition
and twisted harmony that these
opposites have in life.

death gives way to birth.
mourn a life whose legacy will
be hidden away with time,
but not forgotten--
celebrate new beginnings
for new opportunities and
future endeavors.





david,
i am sorry for my empty promises;
i will never live that down.
the blood tests are over,
the poking and prodding is no more,
the hospital stays have ended,
your body no longer has to waste away to nothing.
you are no longer sick,
but you traded your life here
for one with good health.
rest in peace,
dance for me,
serenade the masses--
we'll be listening for your guitar.

i love you and miss you.