crying

aside from seeing my dad cry at his father's funeral, i've really only seen my dad cry three other times. once i remember making him cry at the dinner table. i had asked him, "dad, do you miss your mom?" this question came about a month or so after my grandmother had passed away, and i probably could've used a little more tact in saying that some four, five years ago. after asking that, he went silent, took off his glasses, his lip quivered, then started to cry with the sounds that made my heart sink. i felt like the most awful daughter to have been born.

the next time was when i started college way off in the hedges of nowhere in arcata. my dad had helped me get settled in at my dorm at humboldt state, and stayed for a couple of days until school was about to begin. when it was time for him to leave and catch a flight home, my dad hugged me goodbye, told me to be good, and then burst out into tears. that made me cry too, but i tried to be a mature college student about it, and tried to conceal that i was crying too. he turned to leave, i waved goodbye, and turned to cry and bury my face in a towel. reverberating down the hall, i could hear my dad sniffling, choked up with tears and the uneven, labored breathing that comes with crying. that has got to be one of the most heart-wrenching moments in my life.

a few days ago, my family had helped me move into where i am now, in an apartment in san francisco. everyone knew i was obstinate in accompanying my family home to san diego, and as the days went by for them to leave, i think it especially made my dad suffer. everyone else had been fine with saying bye to me, but not my dad. when his turn came to bid me farewell, he stood off to the side, and looked down at his feet. i was looking at him in bewilderment--what was he doing? then i realized that he was trying not to cry in front of his daughters and his wife. then i started to cry. turning, he hugged me tightly, told me he loves me, let go, turned to my mom and sister and told me that he had left something on my computer. then there was a door in my face, my family had left.


i've always wondered why crying can have this strange chain reaction, like yawning. when someone cries, others cry as well even thought they may not feel the same sorrow, or someone yawns just because someone else has yawned because it's reminded them that they are tired as well.

maybe i'm a huge sap, like i think i am.