you know that feeling you get,
when you feel like time has stopped, nothing else exists, just you,
the air around you, the person you love and adore,
and nothing wrong is around, just all good?
your mind is calm, your heart is well,
you could die right then and there and die happy.
yes.

question--

i know there are numerous people who don't care and would taunt conservationists and people who are trying to conserve and protect the environment, but here's something to think about:

with all of the poverty and the imbalance of wealth in the world, how do you justify conservation efforts? ex. there is a mother trying to feed her four kids, and you go up and tell her that saving polar bears in the north is just as important as feeding her children?

not so nice

one of the best ways to show contempt for someone
is to totally ignore them.
it's the most effective way to show
how much you completely
hate,
loathe,
dread,
dislike
their presence,
their breath.



i'm insensitive, i know.

several questions--

give me some responses!

1. if you were to have a child/children, regardless of how you feel about having children in the future, what could we expect to see? (eg. you would have a girl, she would have brown hair, etc.)
2. why did your parents give you the name you have?
3. should the government substantially fund the arts?
4. who wants to help me with calculus? :)

if you know me, you'll know i'll be straight with you and tell you how much you suck, or how much i value you, or what have you. i probably see things in you that are worth mentioning, and either make you a good person or someone who everyone's going to hate. i'm really curious as to what's really indicative in a person as to what they perceive to be as bad, or good, favorable, displeasing, and so on. to one person, i could be full of qualities they hate and they could totally despise me. conversely, someone could see all these bad qualities i feel really are a thorn in my side, but it is interpreted as wonderful. is this all based off of one's own pre-developed values, morals, ethics, etc.?

i want to know.

september

College--the place you're suppose to go for a higher education, the time in your life older adults swear to be the "best time of your entire life", and is also the time where most students live a second life away from home, AKA dorm life. My second semester as a student at San Francisco State University and doing round two of the whole dorm thing hardly sounds like one of the contributing factors to nearly killing me, but it did, and I survived.

Days upon days of sleeping in my private dorm room, secluding myself out of the suite life with my suite mates to choose moping and crying instead of being social, and wondering why my life seemed to get worse and worse took a toll on my psyche and delivered me into the center of a dark depression. But this all started because of a cast-iron skillet. A stupid, cast-iron pan. Oh, and also a skinny bitch with the largest nose anyone on earth could ever imagine on a face!

Neurotic to say the least, Jane (name changed) and I had no previous mode of reference, and were forced to live in the same suite as each other, with our rooms right next to each other and also had to share a bathroom. She was always nit-picky about the most trivial things like furniture arrangement, and which toiletries were considerably important to be allowed to stay out on the countertop of the bathroom. Now Jane here, she had a particular item that she temporarily had kept in her room, and this item happened to be a cast-iron skillet. Finding that silly, the cast-iron skillet was moved into the kitchen, where its status went from "purely for Jane's use" to "public domain". I was unaware of the skillet's previous status, and used it one afternoon to heat up a tortilla. I washed it, dried it (although I admit it could've be dried a little more thoroughly), and set it out on the dish rack next to the sink to air-dry. Jane comes out of her room an hour later, sees the pan, questions how her pan was used. I respond that I used it to heat up a tortilla, and apologized for not doing a good enough dry job. Jane proceeds to overreact upon inspecting the pan, claiming that it's fucked up, it's of no use anymore, and how her grandma gave it to her as a gift. Feeling in the wrong, I apologize profusely, and promise to replace the pan. Normal people would've accepted the apology and reconciliation, but not Jane.

Day two after the pan incident Jane complains about the skillet's damage. Day three more complaints, another offer from me to replace the pan. Day five, more complaints topped with a sassy remark, "So do you want to replace my pan, because this one's fucked." Day eight, calls to her mother about what to do (with reassurance from her mother that the skillet would be fine), and another request to replace the skillet, with extreme overtones of attitude. At this point, I am frustrated beyond belief with Jane and her refusal to accept anything from me that I start crying, which makes Jane feel like a black-hearted person. With the heaviest stench of phoniness even the sickest person with the worst of congestion could smell, Jane came into my room to comfort me and said that she wasn't mad at me. WHAT THE HELL?!

Classes at school were not going as I had expected them to--they were boring, nothing really interested me, I felt like a loner who couldn't seem to make any friends, and previous friends I had made weren't being responsive. I felt so isolated, and going back to my suite where the three other girls already knew each other from being from the same town and going to the same high school together just reinforced how alone I was.

Not to mention my pathetic love life wasn't going well at all either. A boy I was hooking up with here and there would spend time with me, we'd have sex, he'd leave and we'd lose all contact with each other until God knows when. He had recently visited, we had sex, he left, I had felt used again.

A glass of water. Sixteen pills of Tylenol. Down my throat, into my digestive system and then my bloodstream. I climb into bed, sob, and try to sleep. A phone call of sobbing to my dad explaining how stupid I felt about what I had just done.

"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I just did something very stupid. (sobs)"
"What'd you do?"
"I...I...I just swallowed sixteen pills of Tylenol. Oh God, I'm so stupid."
"Jessica. Jessica, I'm going to make some calls, ok?"
"(sobbing) Ok."
"I love you, Jessica."
"Thanks Dad, bye."

Half an hour later, a loud knock on the door and a booming voice questions, "Is everything ok?" My suite mates respond yes, everything is fine. An EMT asks for Jessica Seid, and my suite mates tell him that I'm in my room, they think. Another EMT in a loud voice starts talking to me, I start to cry, the blinds open, the light is so bright and blinding it makes everything seem so confused. I later find myself strapped to a gurney, in an ambulance, drinking activated charcoal. I refuse an IV.

I am admitted into UCSF's emergency room. I am evaluated, blood is drawn, toxicology tests say that I have overdosed. Had I not called my dad, and had he not called for help, I could've died.

--

i am awake
at fifteen to nine,
my boyfriend sleeps
and takes up my whole bed.
the weather is overcast,
gloomy, melancholy and really,
it sucks.
i'm cold,
tired,
i have strange and lurid
dreams,
i sleep inconsistently,
i can't stay asleep,
i am getting observed soon,
god this prose is such shit.



I NEED TO WRITE MORE!

oh my god.

there's so much going on.
but it's starting to slow,
i am happy.




i'm so happy.
i love my life.

thoughts as of late

this what has been going on in my life, in case anyone would like to be informed:

1. lately i've been thinking a lot about what i want to do with myself career-wise in the future. i've decided on something really uh, i don't know, unconventional i suppose and for the time being i'd like to be a researcher studying human interaction, specifically communication interaction. i think i'd like to have an emphasis on conversational analysis (since i pretty much do that everyday, and i'm already taking a class on it).
2. i have literally coughed so much in the past couple of weeks that my abs have gotten mildly stronger. they've been sore for the past couple of days too, but i'm SO GLAD it's abating.
3. i'll admit i'm an elitist in at least two ways. one being that i'm a music elitist (where i think that i pretty much listen to better music than you and will try to get you to download the same music i listen to) and two where i am a speech elitist, and i use (generally) elevated vocabulary. about the music elitism, i really do appreciate all music, just some more than others. diversity in music is what makes music so great, but seriously, an entire library of metal? come on. and about the speech elitism, i really can't help it. i just love words, i enjoy looking things up and learning more. sorry if that offends you or makes you feel uncomfortable, just tell me.
4. i live such a privileged life, and there's not one day where i don't think about that.
5. i am a sap.

ok, that is all.

bitches ain't shit!

one of the largest things in my life that i thrive upon is companionship. the friends that i've made have either stayed or gone off and left. one of the saddest things is when you reach out to a friend who won't meet you halfway. you lose a little bit, but in reality--why do you want to keep someone around who thinks on a one-track mind?

college so far hasn't been about taking classes and learning new things to acquire a BA, college has been "how to get along with people: 101". all it's been is been social event after social event; you interact with people that you'll get along with, that you'll become friends with and develop a relationship, or there will be some where both of your personalities just don't mesh. what's been funny is that after high school everyone goes their separate ways towards their respective colleges or workforce and it's always uttered, "oh keep in touch, don't change" and blah blah blah. the cliche admonition of how true friends will be the ones who manage to keep a foot in the doorway of your life has never resounded so clearly to me now.